ImpostorMom

It seems my step-father is drinking again. Although my mom didn’t know about the trips to the bars she did in fact know about the drinking. During my conversation with her she told me that she had begged, pleaded and nagged to her breaking point over the past few months. During the last big blow up about it he agreed to go into rehab but they can only afford it through the VA and the VA has determined that he’s not bad enough. WTF?! He’s already had one episode that nearly killed him and was told that another probably would so I guess he’d only be bad enough if he were actually dead by that logic.

I had to pass all this along to my sister. I felt the obligation to do so just as I felt an obligation to discuss it with my mother. When he almost died my sister informed him that he had a choice, he could choose to have her, her new husband and future grandchildren in his life or he could choose to drink. She’s pretty adamant about cutting him out of her life. My advice was that she at least has to tell him that she knows he is drinking and that she will not be seeing him again rather than just not speaking to him anymore. She says that she will do that but I’m not so sure. She’s pretty non-confrontational.

The interesting thing about my conversation with my sister on the topic is that we were both so calm. There was no crying or getting upset, I even joked a bit (cause that’s what I do). It is so apparent that we have both become so distant and removed from the whole situation. I think this is what happens naturally as a way of self preservation. You disconnect so that when you are disappointed again it doesn’t hurt so much.

I’m not quite sure what I feel when it comes to my mother. My mom has practically resigned herself to watching her husband kill himself. She has accepted that she cannot change him and she is determined to stand by him. I’m not sure how I feel about that. I certainly do not want to see my mother hurt but at this point that is unavoidable. She says his drinking is under control. Alcoholics are never in control of their drinking. He may have it “under control” now but what about a year from now. He’s not a mean drunk and he doesn’t abuse my mother so at least I don’t have that to worry about. I just hate that she will have to go through this and as selfish as it seems I’m thankful I don’t live in the same city.

I feel disconnected from the entire thing. I remember when it was first made apparent that he had a drinking problem, I was devastated. This man that I considered my father for the majority of my life was sick and refused to do anything about it. Disappointment after disappointment left me jaded, distant and numb about him. After all I’m no stranger to daddy issues so I’ll just add these to the list. Good god it is absolutely amazing that I can have any sort of healthy relationship with a man after looking at these winning role models.

Now, for me, the situation is all about my mother. I cannot distance myself from her and I will not. I mourn for her pain and the loss she will feel. If I were a praying woman I would pray that he at least not take any innocent lives with him. I can’t even think about it because that would require me to get angry and feel something and I just can’t go there again.