ImpostorMom

Been feeling sort of emotional lately, don’t know why except that I’m a girl so that generally means I’m emotional. Anyway, the husband and I watch this show called Notes from the Underbelly. It’s silly but we can relate because of where we are in our lives and really there isn’t anything else on anyway. This weeks episode was all about the pregnant couple trying to decide on a guardian for their unborn child in the event that something happened to them.

The husband and I went through this exercise when I was pregnant and ultimately decided not to decide. Which is incredibly irresponsible of us, I know. The fact is that I mentioned to my mother that we were trying to decide such a thing and she got very upset with me. I was trying to get her advice on the matter but she wanted nothing to do with the conversation. Not because it involved the possibility of loosing her daughter and son-in-law but because in her mind the only choice was her.

In some ways my mother is the best choice. Boog knows her and is comfortable with her more than any other friend and relative. But in many other ways she is not the best choice. There is the issue with my step-father. And there is the fact that she is in her mid-fifties. Not that that is old, it isn’t but it’s getting up there to be there for a small child. I think she feels like if he is left with anyone but her that her relationship and thus her connection to me will suffer. She sees it as another loss to be added to the loss of her daughter if something should happen.

I can totally see where she is coming from. But then again, my responsibility is to Boog and his well being. Not to my mother’s hurt feelings. When the husband and I discussed this before we tried to think of friends and relatives that would raise Boog in a way that was as close as possible to the way that we want to raise him. In addition to that we want him to maintain a connection to his family and therefore he must be placed into the care of people who are willing to make an effort to do that. This in itself is a tall order.

When thinking about raising him like we would I’m not sure that should be the most important part of the equation anymore. First of all, no one could raise him like we could and I might as well give up on trying to find that. In my mind I was trying to plan for a situation in which he would be the least effected but in reality that just isn’t possible. If something were to happen to us that would be a defining event in his life. It would literally change the person he is to become.

Because of this realization, I think it is more important now to really find someone that we think will love him and care for him and make an effort to maintain that relationship with his family. The ideal people would already be members of our family and we have a few people we could rely on. We also have a few friends that I would be comfortable leaving him with.

And, yes I got all this from watching a television show while eating breakfast. This is my thought process and why I found myself crying in the shower this morning concerning my own mortality. (ie. crazy person) It is interesting how having a child changes your perspective on your own life. In my darker, younger days I can remember thinking that if something happened to me the world would largely go unchanged. I mean my family would miss me of course but overall no one really relied on me for everything.

What upset me most this morning was thinking of Boog if something happened to us. Thinking of how scared and confused he would be. How much he would miss his mommy and daddy and how he wouldn’t be able to understand. Just thinking of it breaks my heart a little and makes me what to hug him and never let go.