It seems that Boog and I have come to the end of an era for us. Monday night was the last time I nursed him and I suspect it will be the last time ever. If I’m honest I can say that his interest has been waning for some time now. I have continued to hold on to one last nursing session more for myself than for him.
I don’t know what it is but for some reason this past 13 months, 3 weeks and two days I haven’t just identified as a mother but specifically a breastfeeding mother. It is a title I have worn with much pride. There have been challenges, many challenges. But overall I truly enjoyed the experience of breastfeeding my child.
My goal was 12 months and I should be am incredibly happy and proud of myself for making it that far and then some. But I’m also a little sad. I’ll no longer have that closeness and that connection with him. I never imagined that I would feel this way about it. I thought that I would be so very happy to give up this chore, to have my body back. At times it was a chore, for it to always have to be me, only me. Getting up every night because only I could feed him lest my milk supply suffer.
There were also times it was a true joy to have those quiet moments with him that no one else got to share. I’ve often said that in the beginning it seemed we were both born to breastfeed. I am very, very lucky in that I had very little trouble during those first several months after birth. We both took to the experience like pros and I even surprised myself with my willingness to feed my child whenever and wherever it needed to be done without shame or even a second thought about it.
It wasn’t until he got older and I went back to work that I had issues with biting and milk supply. I powered through and I’m so glad that I did. Now here we are at the end and I’m the one having to come to terms with this role of mine as mother without the breastfeeding.
Boog, of course, is unphased. He doesn’t seem to care either way. And if I really think about it, isn’t that the best thing for him? I certainly don’t want him to feel any distress over the end of this part of our relationship. But I can’t help but feel a little sad that he’s okay. Like he needs me a little less. Like it is the beginning of the end of his babyhood.
I suppose this is a struggle all mothers go through with each developmental leap. The tug to want to keep them small but at the same time want them to grow and become independent. I think we’ve both come a long way in this past year. And I look forward to being here for him for many years to come knowing he still needs me even if he no longer needs my milk.
February 21, 2008 at 2:30 pm |
You know, in some ways Im totally looking forward to weaning Pea (wine! wings! no more wearing 14 layers “just in case”!) but I had forgotten about the sadness that comes with it too…I know just how you feel-
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February 21, 2008 at 2:46 pm |
yeah….I should be there too very soon. And we didn’t even make it to a year.
But I’m just trying to focus on the freedom. I will once more be able to eat things like pineapple (that he’s allergic to). I don’t need to keep leaving meetings etc to pump. If he’s up all night, it’s no longer assumed that it’s my job to take care of him. No more biting. And now…finally…I can diet to get my body back.
Becoming Mommy’s last blog post..Don’t Got Milk
February 21, 2008 at 3:41 pm |
Aww, you made me teary at work. I remember the sadness I felt when Bubba weaned himself. But you are right. This is the best way. You wouldn’t want it to be traumatic for him.
And as someone reminded me when I was worrying about the “lasts” — every last is also a first for something else.
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February 21, 2008 at 3:47 pm |
I totally understand, and we aren’t even there yet! I’m sad already at the thought that she will wean, for exactly the reasons you describe. Each nursing session she stops reminds me of the end. I didn’t know I’d feel this way. And I’m glad you described it so well.
But you are right. It’s got to be better that he isn’t not traumatized about it. I really feel for you and hope you are able to concentrate on the good aspects of having your body back!
caramama’s last blog post..Six Quirky Things Meme
February 21, 2008 at 5:51 pm |
This was a great post, Nic. He’ll always need you though, don’t worry :) You’re such a great mom.
February 21, 2008 at 10:16 pm |
I so remember this stage as if it was yesterday. And you are right, there will be struggles with developmental leaps, but along with those struggles come the joys of watching become an even more independent person.
And although it may seem he needs you less, that’s not true, he’s needing you more in some other area, you just don’t see it yet, but it’s there. You’re just meeting his needs differently, but you’re still doing it.
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February 22, 2008 at 1:49 am |
I’m teary too. Little Man is DEFINITELY not ready to wean — we’re still doing 4-6 times a day (and he’s only a few days younger than Boog). I know if I tried to do it now, it would be traumatic for him.
Great post. I’m not looking forward to it, but at the same time, I am…just a little bit. Parting is such sweet sorrow….
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February 22, 2008 at 11:00 am |
Give it a few months, and you probably won’t miss it all that much. Like Madame Queen said, every “last” is soon to be replaced by a “first.” Boog’s firsts are now bound to be ones that don’t involve you being hooked up to some evil boob-sucking machine. That HAS to be a good thing!
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February 22, 2008 at 11:27 pm |
I weaned Lovebug last June (it took us three months) and I thought I was so ready to be done (I had been pregnant and/or nursing for over three years straight). And now he’s two and I miss it sometimes. It’s hard to let go but I promise there will be other things that “just mama” can do.
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February 23, 2008 at 5:54 am |
Here from VDog’s post.
Great entry, love the final photo! ;D
February 24, 2008 at 2:06 am |
Congrats on making it past a year…This was my fourth child, and I relate to how it feels to have to stop….I am sad..we were in the process of weaning..and I got pregnant…so my milk has quit…but he is 14 months old now..so it is ok..
February 25, 2008 at 7:20 am |
I have been going through this myself, my eldest has not fed in two weeks and im such a bittersweet experience, you done wonderful making it this far and it looks like weaning was a lovely experience for both of you
Laura McIntyre’s last blog post..Blame Madam Fate
February 27, 2008 at 4:02 pm |
I don’t blame you for feeling sad. My son and I replaced the before bed nursing session with a sippy cup of milk and a book. He’d sit on my lap and slurp while we listened to music and read, and it was pretty darn sweet.
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June 9, 2008 at 7:44 pm |
thanks for your post, i am literally going through this right now with my son. he will turn one on sunday and though i had a goal of nursing him for a year and i’m just shy of it, i feel so sad and overwhelmed. he’s fine thankfully and my husband is completely supportive and the boy eats and thrives, but… i just can’t believe i am on the other side now. tonight at the supermarket he said mom mama mommm a whole bunch of times for the first time and it was so amazing and magical. when i put him to bed, instead of nursing him, he kind of kept nuzzling into me, encouraging me to stroke his hair and just stayed really close without pursuing mama milk at all. the tears came down my cheeks but i just rode it out, soothed him, allowed him to soothe me in his way and realized there would be new things on the horizon – as some of your other posters also remarked… one step at a time, right? thank you again!
April 14, 2010 at 2:58 am |
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