ImpostorMom

This one’s a long one so be warned. :)

With my little sister being pregnant and our general family history of drama I shouldn’t have been surprised that I got a small dose of it yesterday evening. I supposed I just wasn’t expecting the drama to begin so quickly. I brought it on myself however, what with the opening of my big mouth and the sticking of my nose where it doesn’t necessarily belong.

Yesterday my step-father took flowers to my sister at her work. She’s a teacher so he did not see her but simply left them in the office for her. I totally get the sentiment. He is happy that she is pregnant and wanted to let her know that even if they aren’t speaking. However this act upset my sis and she then had to explain the 14 ten year olds why their teacher was so upset. I think that the sentiment was nice but if he felt the need to acknowledge the pregnancy he should have done it with flowers delivered to her home. She wasn’t mad but she did think it was inappropriate.

Here begins the drama, I learned of these flowers from my mother who told me in passing. When she told me I remarked, “Oh man I’m surprised I haven’t already gotten a phone call then.” I seem to be one of the only people in our family that really understands my sisters decision to cut her father out of her life. Our older sister doesn’t press the issue anymore but there was a time that she was very vocal about my little sister’s decision. Because of this I am often the sounding board and I don’t mind that at all.

Where it gets a little hairy for me is that I sometimes become the go between for my mother and my sister. This isn’t fair to me because at some point or another I always feel like I’m betraying one of them for the sake of the other. I generally put a stop to this last year and told them both I was done. I would not be the go between. Of course then I open my big fat mouth and put my foot in it all over again.

Yesterday when my mom was telling me about the flowers I reminded her that my sis being pregnant didn’t change anything and asked if my step-father knew that. She said that he did but that he was excited and just wanted to show that. I get that but then I said, “but he knows it doesn’t change anything with the baby either, right?”

My mom seemed perplexed and asked what I meant. I simply stated that my sister had made it clear that her cutting him out of her life included her family as well, meaning her husband and any children they were going to have. This was explained last year when she said goodbye. So this child would not know his or her grandfather (this does not extend to my mother however). I honestly did not know this was going to be the revelation that it seemed to be when I said it.

My mom got upset as would be expected (except this was explained flat out to both of them almost half a year ago). Then the conversation turned from my sister and her family to myself and my family. I had upset my mother and I feel she proceeded to pick a fight with me because of it.

I don’t fight with my mother often. We are very close and very much alike in many ways. She doesn’t like the fact that we haven’t allowed Boog to come and spend time at her house without us. We’ve had conversations as to why we aren’t comfortable with this and it is partly because of my step-father. My mom has always assured me that if Boog came to stay with her that he would not at any time be left in my step-father’s care.

I have expressed to her that my husband and I aren’t comfortable leaving him there because he is so young. She took great offense to this. She doesn’t understand why I would be fine with her coming here and staying with him but not ok with him staying there. There were exclamations of how she never would have thought twice about leaving one of her children with their grandparents and she loved us just as much as I love Boog.

All that is well and good but I feel that it is my responsibility to keep this child safe. And I will do whatever I need to do in order to accomplish that even if it includes hurting my mother’s feelings. The fact of the matter is that I DO trust my mother with Boog. Aside from my husband I trust her with him above anyone else. I know she can take care of him and I know he is comfortable and feels safe with her.

What I don’t trust is her home and my step-father. Her home is not child-proofed and I know good and well she cannot watch him 24/7 by herself. I know this because I can’t watch him at every moment either which is why we have safety precautions in place. I tried to explain this but it was too late. She wanted someone to be mad at and I was that person.

Later in the evening she called to apologize to me and tell me that she was upset about my sister and she took it out on me. I think that is probably only half true. I think my stance on Boog staying with her also upsets her. What I keep telling her though is that it isn’t a “ban” or a “policy” that he’s not allowed to stay with them. He’s simply too young.

I need to know that he’s old enough to know that you can’t just blindly step off the top step of a flight of stairs and that you need to leave the old, crotchety golden retriever alone when he growls. If I’m not going to be there to ensure that these types of things aren’t going to be an issue then I need to at least feel like Boog is a little more aware of his surroundings. And he’s only 15 months old so I just don’t think he’s there yet.

This is my issue and I totally understand that but he is my kid and I get to make those decisions and my mom is just going to have to accept that. When she called to apologize she said that she’d thought about it and that we were very different kinds of mothers and that it wasn’t fair to compare us in the way that she had. She was younger when she had her children and was simply grateful for any help.

I reminded her that if we lived in the same town and not three hours away that things would probably be different. I would be much more comfortable leaving him if we were just a phone call away. That won’t be happening anytime soon however. I need some geographical distance from the drama to keep myself sane. Even when I miss my mama.