ImpostorMom

It was a rough one
yesterday I made the call
to start counseling

so emotional
on the verge of tears all day
seems like no reason

like being pregnant
but I know I’m not pregnant
don’t want to be yet

better already
black cloud has gone this morning
Boog melted my heart

the zoo tomorrow
yay, that should be lots of fun
hope it’s not too hot

I had a rough day yesterday. A day that prompted me to finally make the call and get some counseling. I just felt like I was on the verge of tears all day long. It was like I felt when I was pregnant. Hyper-emotional. Every little thing made my eyes water and tears well up. I’m not pregnant though. I know this for sure. I actually took a test earlier this week due to some unexplained, fleeting nausea. Negative, thankfully. Just not ready to go down that road again, yet. I’m actually back on the fence as to if I’ll ever be ready to do it again.

So next week I’ll go see a counselor and most likely be immediately reduced to tears in front of some stranger. I don’t know why this bothers me so. I have nothing against counseling, in fact I think it is quite beneficial. I’ve just never seemed to be able to stick with it myself.

Maybe it is the inherent vulnerability that comes with it. And the fact that although the person sitting across from you is a trained professional, they are also a stranger. At least in the beginning. I’m a natural crier. I cry when I’m sad, happy, angry, just generally emotional. Always have been, so my mother tells me. So I know I’ll be crying inside of 5 minutes and I find that somewhat embarrassing. I suppose I need to get over that.

I do feel better today. Not so much doom and gloom. Boog has been having some separation anxiety again in the mornings and that leads to much crying and clinging at the daily daycare drop off. This morning was different though. He was briefly shy then ran off to play.

When I started to leave he said “Mommy” and got up from eating his breakfast to run toward me. This is normally when I would just keep going because I know that prolonging the goodbye makes it worse. But I stopped and bent down for one last hug and he leaned forward, puckered his lips and asked for a kiss. I gave him one and he turned around and went back to the table to finish his breakfast. And then my heart melted. And I had to FORCE myself to leave and not run back for my own hug. :)